Married Life

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted – Helen Rowland

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield

I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. – Jean Harlow

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. – Noel Coward

Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. – Marion Smith

The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him – Oscar Wilde

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

A husband’s last words should always be ‘OK buy it’.

The most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding cake – Unknown.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. – Marvin Kitman

A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. – Mae West

The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him – Cher

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. – Max Kauffmann

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. – Dorothy Parker

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus

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