Smoking Nuns

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, “It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn’t find them”.

The second nun said, “I’ve found a marvellous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later”.

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. “You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.”

The next day the good sister went to the drugs store and walked up to the counter.”Good morning, sister”, the pharmacist said, “what can I do for you today?” “I’d like some condoms please”, said the nun.

The druggiest was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, “How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.” “I’ll take six boxes. That should last about a week”, said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. “Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size”.

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: “I’m not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?”

Religion | Leave a comment | 689 views

Getting Divorced

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough”.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. “Okay”, he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?”

Misc | Leave a comment | 606 views

Doctor’s Note

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like”.

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:

“Doris, you’ll never believe it: I’m completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you’ve never had before, wild, passionate sex… you’ll love it!”

Doris thinks for a minute and says, “I don’t know, Sol. I’ve heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don’t want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK…maybe I would have such sex with you…”

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor’s office; his doctor tells him: “Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I’ll write the note. Let’s see, here’s my prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz… Now, I’ll just address this… By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s first name?'”

Medical | Leave a comment | 644 views

Speeding On The Bridge

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?”

Bob thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?”

“67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the cop.

“But if you already knew, officer”, replied Bob, “why did you ask me?”

Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!”

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”

Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!”

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish, and said, “What kind of job would a bum like you have?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob.

“What did you say, boy?” asked the patrol-man.

“I’m a rectum stretcher!”

The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?”

Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across”.

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot ass-hole?”

Bob said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”

Lawyer | Leave a comment | 493 views

Unjustice In Hell

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

‘That’s unfair!’ he cried. ‘I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman’.

‘Shut up,’ barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. ‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?’

Lawyer | Leave a comment | 614 views

The Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he’s not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found what was making them so sick…. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow… it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared… her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it’s head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.

Sis then laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats….they have nine lives or something.

This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet”. By this time, Johnny’s mother had passed out cold.

Little Johnny | Leave a comment | 704 views

Blonde Lesbian

Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.

Blondes, Quickies | Leave a comment | 704 views

Bending Drunk

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand”.

“So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your point?”
“Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

Blondes | Leave a comment | 609 views

Gotta Go

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. She says “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom”.

Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know”.

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable”.

Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know”.

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift”.

Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!”

Seasonal | Leave a comment | 543 views

Cow Giving Birth

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, “Great… he’s 5 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer”.

When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, “Well Willie, do you have any questions?”

Just one,” gasped the pie-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

Misc | Leave a comment | 1,773 views
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