A couple decided go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said “Honey my hands are cold again”. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “Honey my hands are cold again”.
She then said, ” Damn don’t your ears ever get cold?”
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopaedic surgeon’s office. “You know, Doc”, he said, “I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand”.
“And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions”, the doctor said.
“Hell, no”, the old fellow replied. “I want to borrow your Lamborghini”.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
God breathes life into Adam and tells him… “You are man, my most favoured creation, because of this I am going to give you the penis, and the brain”.
Adam replies…”Thank you lord, thank you so much, thank you”.
God says back to him, “Don’t get to excited, there’s a catch”.
Adam asks, “What is the catch?”
God answers, “I’m only going to give you enough blood in your body to use one of that a time”.
A woman goes to see the doctor and says, “Doc, I’ve got a very embarrassing problem. I was playing with my vibrator last night and I’ve got the whole thing stuck inside me!”
“Don’t worry,” says the doc, “We’ll soon get it out of you”.
“Get in out?” says the woman, “I don’t want you to get it out. I just want you to change the batteries”.
There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said “I’ve had enough of this flying south every winter, I’ll just stay right here on this farm, what’s the big deal, anyway?”
So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry.
“Why did I stay?” he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, “Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I’ll get him for this!”
The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.
The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don’t like to interrupt her.
It’s closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar. “God, I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for what seems like hours”.
“Sneaking’s not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstairs, and yelling ‘Hey baby, let’s f***’. When I do that, my wife always pretends she’s sound asleep”.