Proud terrorists fathers

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.

“you see, this is my oldest. He’s a martyr. Here’s my second son. He’s a martyr, too”.

The second terrorist says, gently, “”Ah, they blow up so fast, don’t they?”.

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Ripping The Panties

Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home”, says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off”.
“I know the feeling”, the other says.
“No, I’m serious”, says the first. “They’re killing me”.

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Terrible loss

Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John’s wife died the same day that Joe’s boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, “I’m sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible”.

Joe said, “Oh hell no, fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle”.

The old woman fainted.

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Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions”, he observed.

To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy”.

He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny”.

He turned to the third Mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy”.

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go”.

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Annoying Alien

An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy’s cheek and saying, “zzzt!” Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, “If you do that one more time, I’ll chop your penis off!”
Again, the alien poked his cheek and said, “zzzt!”

The guy said, “Okay, that’s it!” He got up, grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down the alien’s pants. But he was astounded to see nothing there”.

He then said, “Well, if you don’t have a penis, how do you have sex?”

The alien just smiled, poked the guy’s cheek, and said “zzzt!”

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Disgrace The Family

There was a young virgin who was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that”.

She continued, “He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that”.

Then the grandmother said, “But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family”.

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, “Grandmother, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family”.

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Scottish Grave

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, “Sure’n I’ll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?”

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Signs Of The Times

Veterinarian’s office sign – All unattended children will be given a free kitten –

Lot outside Vet’s office – Parking for customers only, others will be neutered.

In a Veterinarians waiting room – Be back in 5 minutes, SIT! STAY!

Plumber’s Shop – We repair what your husband fixed.

Pizza shop slogan – 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee – Invite us to your next blowout.

Door of a plastic surgeons office – Hello, we can help pick your nose?

Sign at the psychic’s Hotline – Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

At a towing company – We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

Billboard on the side of the road – Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.

On an electricians truck – Let us remove your shorts.

In a nonsmoking area – If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On maternity room door – Push, Push, Push.

At an Opthomologist’s Office – If you don’t see what your looking for you’ve come to the right place.

On a taxidermist’s window – We really know our stuff.

In a podiatrist’s office – Time wounds all heels.

On a fence – Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive.

Outside a muffler shop – No appointment necessary, we’ll hear you coming.

Inside a bowling alley – Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.

In the front yard of a funeral home – Drive carefully, we’ll wait.

In a counselor’s office – Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

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69

A young man goes to a whorehouse to experience his first taste of sex. The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.

The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man on what to do. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

The man quietly says to himself, “phew”, but he goes down on her again.

A moment later she farts again. He says “phew”, but continues.

Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what’s wrong, and he replies “I don’t think I can take another 66 of those!”

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I’m a moth

A guy walks into a dentist’s office and flops right down on the couch.

“Doc”, he says, “Here’s the problem. I think I’m a moth”.

“Well”, says the doctor, “That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist’s office?”

“The light was on”.

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