What did one centipede say to the other centipede ?
You’ve got a lovely pair of legs, You’ve got a lovely pair of legs, You’ve got a lovely pair of legs, You’ve got a lovely pair of legs, You’ve got a lovely pair of legs, You’ve got a lovely pair of legs ….!
What did one centipede say to the other centipede ?
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, “Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?”
The mother replies, “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work.”
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, “Ah, C’mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud…They’re hookers!”
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, “Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?”
The mother replies, “Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?”
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
Replied the gentleman, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman … I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl”.
“Oh, come on now,” said the friend, “Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry”.
“Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl. The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”
“Well, why didn’t you marry her,” asked the friend.
“She was looking for the perfect man,” he said.
It was Grandpa Jones’ 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit. He explained “I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I’ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years”.
“How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?” we asked.
“It’s simple” he said. “When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk”.
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the wind shield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Mary Agnes, “What should we do?”
“Turn the wind shield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination”, says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Try the wind shield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican”, replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the wind shield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
“Show him your cross”, says Sister Mary Vincent.
“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, “Get the f*** off our car!”
A guy is at home with the missus when he hears a knock at the door. He opens it and finds his pal Steve clutching his hands between his legs.
“What’s wrong Steve?” He asks.
“I’ve just been hit by a bloody cricket ball!”
“Quick come in and I’ll get the wife to look at it for you”.
A few minutes later in the kitchen the guy finds his wife bathing his friend’s dick and balls with iced water.
“God Dam!” He thinks, “How do you feel Steve?”
Steve turns to his mate with a big grin and says, “What your wife’s done has really helped a lot. But I still think I’m going to loose will my finger nail”.
National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. “You can pay by the inch”.
When the first man comes back out his friends ask, “How much did she charge you?”
“$75 dollars”, said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns, “How much did she charge you?” ask the first two. “$20 dollars” replies the third.
The first two start laughing hysterically.
“Hey guys”, replied the third, “I’m not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!”
A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. “Oh, dear,” he said, “whatever shall I do? I can’t afford a new set”.
“Don’t worry,” said his friend. “I’ll get a pair from my brother for you”.
The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly. “This is wonderful,” said the man. “Your brother must be a very good dentist”.
“Oh, he’s not a dentist,” replied the friend, “he’s an undertaker”.
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn’t run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.
“I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you”.
“Yes, but are you good in bed?”
“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”