What planet are you?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/kellyoakes/which-planet-are-you

Web Funnies | Leave a comment | 1,064 views

Selfie

Other | Leave a comment | 1,452 views

Reporter In Armenia

A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any memorable events in his life. The old man says, “Well one time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one started screwing the donkey, it was a lot of fun”.

The reporter figured he can’t write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story. The old man said, “Well, one time my neighbour’s wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka and one by one screwed the neighbour’s wife. It was a lot of fun”.

The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn’t write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said: “Well, one time I was lost……..”

Misc | Leave a comment | 713 views

Hammer Anyone?

A man is in court for murder and the judge says ‘You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.

Then a voice at the back of the court says, ‘you bastard.’

Then the judge continues, ‘you are also charged With beating Your daughter to death with a hammer’.

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ‘you bastard’.

The judge says, ‘now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?’

Then the man at the back of the court says, ‘fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!’

Misc | Leave a comment | 804 views

Virgin’s Confession

A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day, so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and confession.

“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday”.
” Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?” the priest asked.
” Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission”.
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he touched her arm.
” Yes, Father”.
” That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, he also touched my breasts.”
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he touched her breasts.”
” Yes, Father.”
” That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, he took off my clothes.”
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he removed her clothes.
” Yes, father.”
” That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where.”
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
” Yes, Father.”
” That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, he has herpes!”
Remarked the Father, “That son-of-a-bitch!”

Religion | Leave a comment | 931 views

Accountant Letter

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that’s what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that’s what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Men and Women | Leave a comment | 1,105 views

No Longer Privates

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey Jasper, there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Jasper.

“We’s sergeants now, “says Leroy, pulling him inside.

“Now, Jasper, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’s privates,” says Jasper. “Are you blind, boy?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’s sergeants now.”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.” So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. “Jasper,” he says, “why did you give me the okay sign?”

“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes. “But we’s sergeants now!”

Military | Leave a comment | 713 views

Texan

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver “What’s that building there?”
“That’s the Royal York Hotel” replied the cabbie.
“The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?” asked the Texan.
“About 12 years” replied the cabbie.
“12 years? We build ‘em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.”
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. “What’s that building over there?” asked the Texan.
“That’s the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre” replied the cabbie. “Convention Centre? How long’d it take to build that?” asked the Texan.
“About three years” replied the cabbie.
“Three years? We build ‘em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.” Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower.
“What’s that building there?” asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.
“Danged if I know” replied the cabbie, “It wasn’t here when I drove by yesterday.”

Thats Life | Leave a comment | 639 views

Tampon

What did the 1 tampon say to the next tampon?
See you next period.

Quickies, Sexuality | Leave a comment | 732 views

Ed Miliband at the Spectator Parliamentarian of the Year Awards 2013

News and Politics, Videos | Leave a comment | 768 views
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