What a woman says, what she really means..
– I need = I want
– We need = I want
– It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
– Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
– We need to talk = I need to complain
– Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
– I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
– You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
– You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
– I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
– Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
– This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
– I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper…
– I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
– I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
– Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
– How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really going to hate
– I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
– Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
– You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
– Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
– Yes = No
– No = No
– Maybe = No
– I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
– I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
– Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it
– Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
– I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is important!
What a man says, what he really means…
– I’m hungry = I’m hungry
– I’m tired = I’m tired
– Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Would you like to dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
– Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
– You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
– What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
– You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
– Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
– Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn’t even look different!
– I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go!
Men and Women
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A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly “Awww, look at the dead birdie”. The blonde stops, looks up and says “Where?”
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A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband’s description. “Mother of six,” he would say, “Get me a beer!” “Hey mother of six, what’s for dinner tonight?”
This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, “Hey mother of six, I think it’s time to go!”
The wife seized the moment and shouted back, “I’ll be right with you — father of four!”
Men and Women
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
An Alexander County, Missouri Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri-Arkansas state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn’t want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “Might as well take my ass on to jail, there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
“Is Mr. Smith there?” asked the client on the phone.
“I’m very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.
“Is Mr. Smith there?” repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. “Perhaps you didn’t understand me I’m afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.”
“Is Mr. Smith there?” asked the client again.
“Madam, do you understand what I’m saying?” said the exasperated receptionist. “Mr. Smith is dead.”
“I understand you perfectly,” the client sighed. “I just can’t hear it often enough.”
Men are like cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.