Blonde And Atlantic Coast

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There’s fewer crabs in the Atlantic.

Blondes, Quickies | Leave a comment | 1,048 views

Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: “You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?”
The old man replies, “I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.”
The journalist is amazed. “How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?” she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. “Like I’m talking to a wall”.

Religion | Leave a comment | 1,017 views

New Arm

There once was a man who lost his arms in a car accident. One day he won a million dollar lottery. After a moment of thought, he rushed to the hospital and asked their top surgeon whether he could get his arms back for a million dollars. “Wow,” the doctor replied, “I just invented a completely voice activated mechanical arm, but I can only give you one though.” So he showed him some of the stuff the arm could do and the man was amazed and bought the arm. The next day he went to the pub with his friends to show off his new advanced arm. As they sat together he told the arm to pick up his pint of beer and give him a sip. The arm did it perfectly and the friends were amazed. After a few pints the man went for a piss. He told the arm to take his penis out and away he pissed. Then he tells the arm to, “give it a little shake”. The arm does and the man seemed to over-enjoy it, and so he looks around to make sure no one is looking and tells the arm to give it another little shake. He gets a boner and once again turns around to make sure nobody’s watching and then tells the arm, “jerk it off!” The arm pulls off his penis and the man screams out, in pain, “F**k Me!” So the arm then shoves his penis up his ass. The man even more shocked at this stage shouts out, “Holy s**t, would you look at that.” The arm pulls his penis out of his ass and shoves it right into one of his eyeballs!

Medical | Leave a comment | 2,410 views

Nudist Colony

How can you tell there’s a blind man in a nudist colony?


Riddles | Leave a comment | 2,739 views

Be Next

This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn’t arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn’t arrest him if he could be next. The guy said ‘I’m not afraid that you’ll arrest me, it’s just that I’ve never done it with a cop before!”

Police | Leave a comment | 2,186 views

Attempted Suicide

One day, an old lady decided that she didn’t want to live anymore. So she went to the doctor and asked, ”What’s the best way to kill yourself?” The doctor told her, ”Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.” She asked him, ”Where’s the heart located?” The doctor said, ”It’s three fingers below the nipple.” Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks what happened, one officer says, ”We found her on the floor with a gunshot wound to the knee.”

Misc | Leave a comment | 2,442 views

Word Count

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord’s prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words.

News and Politics | Leave a comment | 2,538 views

Bunk Bed

A boy around the age of 16 shared a bedroom with his younger brother. The room was quiet small so they shared a bunk bed, he had the top bunk, and his little brother had the bottom bunk.

Their parents went out of town for the weekend, so of course he invited his girlfriend over.

As you can imagine the ‘heat’ was on that night in the top bunk. He didn’t want his little brother suspicious of what was going on, so he told his girlfriend to say lettuce-if she wanted it harder, and tomato-if she wanted it faster. His brother was fast asleep on the bottom bunk.

Awhile later the heat was rising…his girlfriend said ” LETTUCE…TOMATO..LETTUCE…TOMATO! NO TAKE IT OUT! TAKE IT OUT RIGHT NOW I CAN’T GET PREGNANT!”

His little brother woke up and yelled back up to them: “would you PLEASE stop making sandwiches up there! You’re getting mayonnaise all over my face!

Sexuality | Leave a comment | 2,629 views

Traveller

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

“Fancy meeting my wife here,” he says to the clerk. “Guess I’ll need a double room for the night.”

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. “What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve only been here one night!”

“Yes,” says the clerk, “but your wife has been here for three weeks.”

Men and Women | Leave a comment | 2,279 views

Jesus in the pub

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He’s so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: “My God, it’s Jesus!” Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: “My God! The arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!” Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock. “Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s a miracle.” Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, “Back off, mate, I’m on disability benefit.”

Misc, Religion | Leave a comment | 2,604 views
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