Desert Island Rescue
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit….
Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you.”
Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
Man: “It’s been ten years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: “Oh thank you so much!”
Girl: “So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?”
Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: “Oh… thank you so much. You are like a miracle!”
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?”
Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!”
Gorilla Language
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means “screw you” in gorilla language. The explanation didn’t make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla’s cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
How Tall Is It?
A man was walking down the street and on the corner were 3 drunks trying to raise a telephone pole. They worked and worked and finally got the thing in the air. Two of of the drunks held the pole and the other climbed on top. He let down a tape measure. This fellow couldn’t take it any more so he asks what they were doing. They said, “We are measuring this pole.” The man asks, “Why didn’t you measure it on the ground?” They said, “We know how long it is, now we want to know how tall it is.”
Door Hinge
A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in front of the clerk. He noticed that she didn’t have any screws for it, so he asked her ”Do you want a screw for that hinge?”
She looked back at him and said ”No, but I’ll blow you for that toaster in the window.”
The Facts of Life
A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin’ The son turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?” The dad says, “Son I’m about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is…” The father can’t do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He tries again, “Son them two dogs are..” He stops again and decides to wait until the boy is older.
“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his father and says, “You’re right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.” The dad asks, “Do you know why that is, son?”
The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed.”
Bar… Monkey
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!
Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for everything.”
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
No, what? replied the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!” said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
High Tech Man
A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, “What are you doing?
The man replies, “Oh, it’s the newest technology — I have a phone built right into my hand.” The man puts his hand next to the bartender’s ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.
After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The bartender notices that he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper towels shoved up his butt. Shocked, the bartender yells, “What are you doing?!”
The man groans and replies, “I’m waiting for a fax.”
Sharing
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry - we have plenty of those where I come from.”
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, “Don’t worry - we have plenty of those where I come from.”
Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying…
Monkey Programmers
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have that monkey please”.
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000″. The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did he cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in ‘C’ very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive - $10,000! What does he do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; he can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of his own. The price tag around his neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does he do?”
The shopkeeper shrugged and said, “Well, to tell you the truth, I haven’t actually seen him do anything, but he says he’s a SAP consultant.”
Superman In Iraq
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