Category Archives: Thats Life

Texan

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver “What’s that building there?”
“That’s the Royal York Hotel” replied the cabbie.
“The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?” asked the Texan.
“About 12 years” replied the cabbie.
“12 years? We build ‘em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.”
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. “What’s that building over there?” asked the Texan.
“That’s the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre” replied the cabbie. “Convention Centre? How long’d it take to build that?” asked the Texan.
“About three years” replied the cabbie.
“Three years? We build ‘em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.” Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower.
“What’s that building there?” asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.
“Danged if I know” replied the cabbie, “It wasn’t here when I drove by yesterday.”

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The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman’s biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary… Mary…

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.

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Success

At age 4, success is………………not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is………………having friends.
At age 20, success is………………having sex.
At age 35, success is………………making money.
At age 70, success is………………having sex.
At age 80, success is………………having friends.
At age 90, success is………………not peeing your pants.

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Aging

Three men were discussing ageing on the steps of the nursing home.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” announced the 60 year old. “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70 year old. “When you’re 70, you can’t take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran – you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !”

“Actually,” said the eighty year old, “Eighty is the worst age of all”.

“Do you have trouble peeing too?”, asked the sixty year old.

“No … not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse – no problem at all”.

“Do you have trouble taking a crap?”, asked the 70 year old.

“No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o’clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What’s so tough about being eighty?”

To which the eighty year old replied – “I don’t wake up until ten!”

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Wrong Flowers

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed “Deepest Sympathy”. While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. “Oh, it’s alright.” said the storekeeper. “I’m a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.”
“But”, added the florist, “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party”.
“Well, what did it say?” ask the storekeeper.
“‘Congratulations on your new location'” was the reply.

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Letters To Landlords

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink,” which is running away from the wall.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

8. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and” not fit to drink.

9. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.

10. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

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Driving Test

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

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True Stupid Crime Stories

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false police report after he called 911 to report… his own murder. The man told the operator he had been “murdered, beaten, possibly kidnapped and thrown down on a bed of spikes.” Police found the man a short time later, still on the convenience store pay-phone he had used to make the call. “It was obvious he hadn’t been murdered,” said one of the arresting officers.

NO… WE’RE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOU

Two wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes — including a boa constrictor — hidden in the men’s pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling narcotics… but in the words of one investigator, “drugs don’t move around like that.”

SAFETY FIRST
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Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
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Crazy Complaints from Gujaratis …….

These are extracts from actual letters sent to Leicester council and Housing associations written by Gujaratis:

  1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
  2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
  5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
  7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
  8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
  10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
  11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
  12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
  13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
  14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat andwould you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
  15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
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