Category Archives: Sports

Handicap

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first was half way up his back swing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, “What was that about?!!!”

“Take no notice. Just get on with the game,” replied the other. Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young lady. “What……???!!!”

“Look. Just get on with the game,” said the second. “We don’t have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.,” the second says with a chuckle. For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand. “Now, hold on a minute,” said the first golfer, “I’m not playing until you tell me what’s going on”.

“OK.” said the second. “Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her”.

“I’ll buy that,” said the first, “but what’s with the guy and the two buckets of sand?”

“He’s the guy who caught her the last time. That’s his handicap”.

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Golfer In Heaven

An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, “Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!” The man’s eyes turn cloudy. St. Peter says, “And the weather here is always good”. A tear begins to form in the man’s eye.

St. Peter says, “And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf”. A tear starts dropping from the man’s other eye.

St. Peter hurriedly says, “And your drives go at least 50 yards further up here”. The man is now sniffling.

St. Peter then says, “And you will never have more than two putts on any of the greens. The man is now sobbing uncontrollably.

St. Peter asks, “Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be overjoyed. Why the tears?”

The man answers, “If my wife hadn’t fed me all of that healthy food, I would have been here five years earlier!”.

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Bad Golfer

Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.

He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.

Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.

“No way,” he replied. “I can’t do that”.

“Why not?” she asked.

He responded, “The last time I did that something terrible happened.

“What happened?” she asked.

The man answered, “I got a double bogey”.

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Mother Nature

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life…..better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life…..as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”

Then POOF!…she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, “Harry!… Harry!… where are you?”

Harry yells, “I’m over here, in the pussy willows”.

Fred screams back….. “DON’T SWING!!! FOR GOD’S SAKE!! DON’T SWING!!!”

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Golf Ball

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean”, scoffs the golfer, “You can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it”.

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed”.

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once . “Just one question”, he says to the salesman.

“Where did you get it?”

“Ummm, I found it”.

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Gunners

Q: What do you say to a Gunners supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo

Q: What do you call an Arsenal fan that does well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.

Q: Why do housewives love Arsenal?
A: Because they stay on top for ages and come second!

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Cave-in

The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out “Arsenal” are good enough to win the European Cup.
Snow White says “Well at least Dopey’s alive!”

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For Sale – Trophy Cabinet

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Injured Knee

A manager goes into the physio’s room to visit a player with an injured knee. The manager says ‘I can give you a cortisone injection’. The player replies ‘It’s alright boss, I’ve got a Sierra’.

–Neil Warnock, football manager

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West Ham Jokes

Q: What’s the difference between West Hams goalkeeper and a taxi driver?
A: The taxi driver will only let four in!

Q. What’s the difference between West ham and a teabag?
A. A teabag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What’s the worst thing about Upton park?
A. The seat’s face the pitch.

Q: What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Upton park?
A: They score

Q: How do you make a Hammers fan run?
A: Build a job centre.

Q: Why do hammers fans plant potatoes round the edge of Upton park
A: So they have SOMETHING to lift at the end of the season

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