Category Archives: Sexuality
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband ‘I must confess darling, I was a hooker!’.
He says ‘That’s all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it’.
She replies ‘Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan
What did the 1 tampon say to the next tampon?
See you next period.
A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, “I’ll be home in an hour”.
“Perfect,” she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for about an hour and a half”.
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. “What should I do?” he asks.
The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?”
“Yes” the man replied. “Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper…”.
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?”
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn’t want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn’t even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each other’s clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to “rise to the occasion” three times.
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
“What’s wrong, dear?” he asks “I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it’s doing you in”, she sighs.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!”
Question: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Answer: A Lickalotopus.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
— Sharon Stone
My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.
— Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
— Tiger Woods
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
— Jack Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
– Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)”
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
— Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
— Robert DE Niro
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
— Dustin Hoffman
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
— Rod Stewart
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
— Robin Williams
A guy is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.
“Can I turn the ceiling light off?” he asks.
“Why?” she replies, “Are you feeling a bit shy lover boy?”
“Nope,” the guy replies, “it’s burning my arse!”
A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?”
“Oh, that’s not a problem any more!” announces the proud physician. “They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are history.” So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
“Doctor, Doctor!” exclaims the man excitedly, “I’ve got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It’s wonderful!”
“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” says the pleased physician. “What does your wife think about it?”
“Wife?” asks the man. “I haven’t been home yet.”
Boy: can i touch ur software?
Girl: first show me ur hardware?
Boy: should i install it in ur system?
Girl: Okay but cover it with antivirus, then install it.