Category Archives: Religion

Virgin’s Confession

A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day, so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and confession.

“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday”.
” Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?” the priest asked.
” Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission”.
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he touched her arm.
” Yes, Father”.
” That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, he also touched my breasts.”
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he touched her breasts.”
” Yes, Father.”
” That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, he took off my clothes.”
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he removed her clothes.
” Yes, father.”
” That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where.”
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
” Yes, Father.”
” That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, he has herpes!”
Remarked the Father, “That son-of-a-bitch!”

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Creation Of Me n

God breathes life into Adam and tells him… “You are man, my most favoured creation, because of this I am going to give you the penis, and the brain”.

Adam replies…”Thank you lord, thank you so much, thank you”.

God says back to him, “Don’t get to excited, there’s a catch”.

Adam asks, “What is the catch?”

God answers, “I’m only going to give you enough blood in your body to use one of that a time”.

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Smoking Nuns

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, “It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn’t find them”.

The second nun said, “I’ve found a marvellous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later”.

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. “You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.”

The next day the good sister went to the drugs store and walked up to the counter.”Good morning, sister”, the pharmacist said, “what can I do for you today?” “I’d like some condoms please”, said the nun.

The druggiest was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, “How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.” “I’ll take six boxes. That should last about a week”, said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. “Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size”.

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: “I’m not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?”

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Denounce The Devil

The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody”.

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No Cussing In Church

A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you WHAT, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”

The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of language in the Lord’s House.

The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering
plate!”

The preacher said, “No shit?”

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The Pope vs. Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.

The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win”.

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. “What happened?” they asked.

“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here”.

“And then?” asked a woman.

“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine”.

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Missing Rooster

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village.

So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?” All the men stood up.

“No, No,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”

All the women stood up. “No, No,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”

Half the women stood up. “No, No,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?”

All the alter boys stood up…..

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4 Sons

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility said, “I have four sons. One more and I’ll have a basketball team”.

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing! I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team”.

The Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course”.

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The Athiest

One beautiful morning a atheist was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings…

He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled…

He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside…

He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world…

The atheist had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him…

Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear…

Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the atheist soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground…

As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the atheist screamed “oh help me god”

Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying…

The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing..

And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak..

“I am god, and even though you don’t believe in me, I am here for every being on this earth”

The atheist felt relieved a little bit and asked god…

“I’m sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it”

God thought for a moment and said…

“I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish”

The atheist thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god..

” Well i dont really want to become a Christian, so i wish the bear to become a Christian”

God spoke…

“So be it done”

Suddenly the sky closed up…

The river turned back into its flowing glory…

The trees began to sway again…

And the bear clapped his paws together and said…

“Thank you god for this meal im about to receive”

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Two Pair Of Socks

A Jewish mother bought her son two pairs of socks for his birthday and, wishing to please her, he went upstairs to put a pair on. When he returned, his mother immediately said, ”You don’t like the other pair?”

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