Category Archives: Redneck
How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.
The phone in a college dean’s office rang, and his secretary answered, “Hello, Acme University”.
“Howdy”, replied a man with a heavy Texas accent, “Could Ah please speak to the Head Hog at the Trough?”
After a long pause, the secretary said coldly, “Excuse me?”
“Ah want the Head Hog at the Trough”, said the Texan.
“Listen, Redneck”, snapped the angry secretary, “The dean of our fine school is referred to as ‘Dean Brown’ or ‘Doctor Brown’. We do NOT refer to him as the ‘Head Hog at the Trough’! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!”
After an even longer pause, the Texan replied quietly, “Yeah, Ma’am. Ah understand. Guess Ah heard wrong about your school bein’ nice and neighbourly. Looks like Ah’ll jest have to donate muh poor ol’ pappy’s hundred million bucks to another place”.
“Wait, wait!” shouted the secretary. “Here comes the Big Pig now!!”
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan”.
The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. “Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey,” says the lone hunter, “I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, “Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” “Yep,” the other added, “but we’re gittin’ further away from the truck….”
What do a Redneck divorcee and a Tornado have in common?
— either way, you’re gonna lose your trailer…
Why did the redneck drive his pickup truck over the edge of a cliff?
— He wanted to test out his new air brakes.
There was this redneck that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. While he was waiting on his drink he noticed a jar of money sitting on the counter. When the bartender came back the redneck asked the bartender about the money. The bartender replied, “Well, this money is for the goat we have outside”.
The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. “What exactly is this money for”.
The bartender replied. “Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him holler gets this money”.
So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside. He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can’t stop. The bartender asks how he did it and the Redneck won’t answer. So the redneck walks out of the bar with the money.
A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He asks the bartender what this money was for. The bartender replies “Well, ever since you got that goat to laugh, we can’t get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that goat to stop laughing gets the money”. So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side.
Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering how he did it and the redneck replied, “A redneck never lets out his secrets”. So, he took his money and left.
About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender replied “Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did it.” The redneck just sat there laughing. He says “Well, to make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I proved it to him”.
A Redneck couple was in bed on their wedding night, and were about to consummate their marriage. The wife stops the husband, saying “Be gentle. I’m still a virgin”.
The man is astounded. He has never been with a virgin before. He decides to call his father for advice.
“Dad,” says the newly-married young man. “My new wife is a virgin! What do I do?”
“Better come on home, son,” replies his father. “If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she sure ain’t good enough for ours”.
How many rednecks, does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.
“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.
“Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook.
“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says.
“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks.
“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, “chickens.”
Chickens, eh? says one guy. “Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
Heck, says the guy with the bag, “iffin you guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
The other scratches his head and guesses, “Um… five?”