Category Archives: Quotes
What does DNA stand for ?
The National Dyslexia Association
Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!
I bent my wookie.
The doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there
Ralph: “Daddy, I’m scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.”
Chief Wiggum: “Just relax and it’ll come, son.”
I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant
And, when the doctor said I didn’t have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life
I found a moonrock in my nose!
That’s where I saw the Leprchaun. He tells me to burn things!
If cartoons were meant for adults, they’d put them on in prime time.
Marge: I’m sure you’ll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
Lisa: Be myself? I’ve been myself for eight years and it hasn’t worked.
On Nelson: He’s not like anybody I’ve ever met. He’s like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.
I am the Lizard Queen!
Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known… then went crazy as a loon.
Relax? I can’t relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or… Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I’m losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!
[Lisa in goal for hockey team]
Lisa: Milhouse, knock him down if he’s in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
The strong must protect the Sweet.
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure… not even close.
Homer no function beer well without.
When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
[Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I’m going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes … I believe I’ll start, as you’ve so often suggested, by eating your shorts!
I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I’ve come to put a stop to it.
Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?
That’s two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Children, I couldn’t help monitoring you conversation. There’s no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let’s have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
There’s no justice like angry-mob justice.
Hello, Simpson. I’m riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
I’ve always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
I didn’t do it, no one saw me do it, there’s no way you can prove anything!
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
I think its ironic that for once dad’s butt prevented the release of toxic gas
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I’m proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
Why would anyone want to hurt me? I’m this century’s Dennis the Menace!
Aren’t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
What’s Santa’s Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he’s trying to jump over, but he can’t quite make it.
I can’t stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it’s from a rubber spider down your dress – Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa’s dress.
I don’t know! I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know why I enjoyed it, and I don’t know why I’ll do it again!
Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
Homer on Religion
I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
Homer on Life and his ‘Wisdom’
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.
Homer on Work
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.
Classic D’Oh! Homerisms
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
[Looking at a globe map…country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country!’You are gay.’
Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted – Helen Rowland
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. – Jean Harlow
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. – Noel Coward
Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. – Marion Smith
The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him – Oscar Wilde
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
A husband’s last words should always be ‘OK buy it’.
The most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding cake – Unknown.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. – Marvin Kitman
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. – Mae West
The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him – Cher
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. – Max Kauffmann
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. – Dorothy Parker
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
— Sharon Stone
My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.
— Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
— Tiger Woods
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
— Jack Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
– Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)”
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
— Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
— Robert DE Niro
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
— Dustin Hoffman
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
— Rod Stewart
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
— Robin Williams
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield