Category Archives: Police

Drunked And Rubbed

A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.

“What’s going on ‘ere then?” says a passing policeman.

“They stole me bloody car!” shouts the drunk.

“Where did you last see it?” asks the copper.

“On the end of this key!” wails the drunk.

The policeman looks him over and says, “Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?”

“Holy s***!” screams the drunk, “They got me girlfriend too!”

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The Miracle

The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, “You appear to have been drinking!”

The driver answers, “No sir, I am just tired”.

The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, “What is, or should I say was in this bottle?”

The driver answers, “Water!”

The policeman says, “It is not, it’s wine!”

The driver looks up to the heavens and says, “Oh Lord, you have done it again!”

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Smoking

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm”.

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Newsflash

Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall. The police are searching high and low for them.

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Diving Accident

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife”.

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first”.

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”

“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her”.

“If that’s the good news than what’s the great news?!”, Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning”.

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Elephant robber

An elephant robs a bank and the police ask the witness, “Would you recognise him again?” and the witness says: “No, he was wearing a stocking over his head”.

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Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one”.

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving”.

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car”.

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner”.

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see”.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.”

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.”

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers”.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence”.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner”.

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

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London Toilets

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know”.

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom”.

“Ah, yes,” said the policeman…”Just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens”.

“In there,” points the policeman. “Go ahead sir, anywhere you like”.

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you… is that what you call English hospitality?”

“No sir…”, replied the police officer, “…that is what we call the French Embassy”.

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Policeman’s Court Testimony

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility….

Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”

A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”

A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”

Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”

A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”

A: “Yes sir, we do!”

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”

A: “Yes sir, I do.”

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”

A: “Yes sir.”

Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”

A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s “Best Comeback” line — and we think he’ll win.

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Breathalyser Test

A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver’s window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, “I’m going to give you a breathalyser test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.”
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”
She replies, “You mean it shows that, too?”

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