Category Archives: Misc
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a streaker ran past.
One old lady had a stroke.
The other one couldn’t reach.
Need a soft pencil? 2B or not 2B, that is the question.
Got a bit of a cough? TB or not TB, that is the question.
Shopping for soft cheese? Two Brie or not two Brie, that is the question.
Got a bill you can’t afford? To pay or not to pay, that is the question.
Going bald? Toupee or not toupee, that is the question.
Caught in need of a public convenience? To pee or not to pee, that is the question.
Fancy a holiday in the Far East? Taipei or not Taipei, that is the question.
Looking for services on the M6? Tebay or not Tebay , that is the question.
Going camping? Teepee or not teepee, that is the question.
Looking for an ornamental jug? Toby or not Toby, that is the question.
Fancy going to see a stand up comedian? Tarby or not Tarby, that is the question.
Bored housewife? Toyboy or not toyboy, that is the question.
A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any memorable events in his life. The old man says, “Well one time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one started screwing the donkey, it was a lot of fun”.
The reporter figured he can’t write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story. The old man said, “Well, one time my neighbour’s wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka and one by one screwed the neighbour’s wife. It was a lot of fun”.
The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn’t write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said: “Well, one time I was lost……..”
A man is in court for murder and the judge says ‘You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ‘you bastard.’
Then the judge continues, ‘you are also charged With beating Your daughter to death with a hammer’.
Again the voice at the back of the court says, ‘you bastard’.
The judge says, ‘now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?’
Then the man at the back of the court says, ‘fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!’
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopaedic surgeon’s office. “You know, Doc”, he said, “I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand”.
“And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions”, the doctor said.
“Hell, no”, the old fellow replied. “I want to borrow your Lamborghini”.
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough”.
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. “Okay”, he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?”
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, “Great… he’s 5 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer”.
When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, “Well Willie, do you have any questions?”
Just one,” gasped the pie-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either one”.
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart”.
While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, “Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle”.
She found the fortune amusing, since she didn’t play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn’t. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: “Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritous.” She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts.
She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn’t know. She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: “Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex.” She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers.
The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: “Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You’ve Fiddled, You’ve Farted, You’ve Screwed around, and now you’ve missed your bus”.