Category Archives: Men and Women
An old man who was hard of hearing had been feeling unwell, so his dutiful wife took him along to his GP.
Doctor: “I’ll need a stool sample and a urine sample”
Old Man: “Pardon??”
Wife: “Just give him your pants dear…”
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that’s what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that’s what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
A couple decided go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said “Honey my hands are cold again”. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.
So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “Honey my hands are cold again”.
She then said, ” Damn don’t your ears ever get cold?”
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don’t like to interrupt her.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him – Is he still wrong?
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an ear-ring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”. The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into ear-rings”.
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an ear-ring”, he replies sheepishly.
“So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in our bed”.
A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, “I’ll be home in an hour”.
“Perfect,” she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for about an hour and a half”.
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. “What should I do?” he asks.
The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?”
“Yes” the man replied. “Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper…”.
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s breast a little feel and says, “Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow”.
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens”.
His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. “Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother”.
A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
“If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty Lord will heal you.
So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says “Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!”