Category Archives: Medical
What does DNA stand for ?
The National Dyslexia Association
An old man who was hard of hearing had been feeling unwell, so his dutiful wife took him along to his GP.
Doctor: “I’ll need a stool sample and a urine sample”
Old Man: “Pardon??”
Wife: “Just give him your pants dear…”
A woman goes to see the doctor and says, “Doc, I’ve got a very embarrassing problem. I was playing with my vibrator last night and I’ve got the whole thing stuck inside me!”
“Don’t worry,” says the doc, “We’ll soon get it out of you”.
“Get in out?” says the woman, “I don’t want you to get it out. I just want you to change the batteries”.
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like”.
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:
“Doris, you’ll never believe it: I’m completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you’ve never had before, wild, passionate sex… you’ll love it!”
Doris thinks for a minute and says, “I don’t know, Sol. I’ve heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don’t want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK…maybe I would have such sex with you…”
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor’s office; his doctor tells him: “Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I’ll write the note. Let’s see, here’s my prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz… Now, I’ll just address this… By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s first name?'”
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby”.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the ageing doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
“I’ve been a little sick to my stomach”, she replied.
“Well,” said the older physician, “you’ve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps”.
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. “You didn’t even examine that woman”, the younger doctor stated.
“I didn’t have to”, the elder physician explain. “You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill”.
“That’s pretty sneaky,” commented the younger doctor. “Do you mind if I try it at the next house?”
“I don’t suppose it could hurt anything,” the elder physician replied.”
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.”
“I’ve felt terribly run down lately,” the widow replied. “I just don’t have as much energy as I used to.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church”, the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. “Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps”.
As they left, the elder physician said, “Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?”
“Sure,” replied the younger doctor. “Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!”
A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: “I can’t talk, help me!”
The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, “Put your penis on the table here”.
The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.
The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..” and the Doctor says, “Good, come again tomorrow and we’ll learn B!”.
A man bursts into the doctor’s office screaming “Doctor, doctor, my penis-it’s bright orange. I have no idea what’s wrong!”
The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and sure enough the man’s manhood is bright orange, almost fluorescent. He says “put your pants back on while I go look through my books”
The doctor comes back after a while and tells the man that he has never seen any thing like it in his life, and he can’t seem to find it in his books. “What do you do for a living?” asks the doctor.
“I’m a lawyer” replies the man.
“Well, does it hurt?” the doctor asks.
“No I can’t feel a thing”.
“Do you have a wife or a girlfriend?”
“Nope, I don’t have time for that stuff being a lawyer”.
“You must have some kind of sex.” says the doctor.
“No, I don’t have time! Every day I go to work, I come home, grab a bag of cheetos, and watch a porno flick.”
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation”.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked”.
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right”.
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor”.
Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.