Category Archives: Little Johnny

The Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he’s not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found what was making them so sick…. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow… it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared… her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it’s head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.

Sis then laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats….they have nine lives or something.

This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet”. By this time, Johnny’s mother had passed out cold.

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Whole Truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth”.

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father”. Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth”.

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother”.

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mail-man at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth”. The mail-man immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug”.

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Mouthful

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate”.

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful”.

Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob”.

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Potty Training

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5…

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Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said.

“Excellent, Michael!” Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny.

“Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'”

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Christmas Present

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests”.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage”.

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage”.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Johnny replied, “I think I got a dog but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!”

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Trick Or Treat

Little Johnny goes trick or treating at Halloween dressed as a pirate. He knocks at Mrs Smith’s door and when she opens it and sees him she looks around in mock terror.
“Captain Johnny!” she says, “Where are your buccaneers?”
“Under me F**king hat!” he replies.

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Sex Positions

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, “All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex”.

The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, “Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?”

Johnny says, “Seventy-three”.

The teacher says, “Oh, my goodness…uh…very good, John, very good…”

She calls on Becky in the front and says, “All right, Becky, how about you?”

Becky says, “Gee, teacher, I only came up with one…where the guy just lays on top of the girl”.

Johnny yells, “Seventy-four”.

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Heaven First

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God”.

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love”.

“Very good”, said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up.

“Oh no,” she thought, “I’m not gonna like this”.
“Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”.

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your feet”.

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’, but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down”.

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The Right Thing

Little Johnny says “Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”
“Well, you’ve done the right thing”, says Mommy.
“But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy’s lap”.

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