Category Archives: Lawyer
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?”
Bob thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?”
“67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the cop.
“But if you already knew, officer”, replied Bob, “why did you ask me?”
Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!”
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”
Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!”
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish, and said, “What kind of job would a bum like you have?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob.
“What did you say, boy?” asked the patrol-man.
“I’m a rectum stretcher!”
The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?”
Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across”.
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot ass-hole?”
Bob said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
‘That’s unfair!’ he cried. ‘I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman’.
‘Shut up,’ barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. ‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?’
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer getting hit by a car and a dog getting hit by a car?
A: There’s skid marks before the dog.
The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you”, the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity”.
The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, “What’s the catch?”.
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
“My name is Joshua. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Adam”, replied the second.
“My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, “My daddy is a lawyer.
“Honest?” asked Joshua.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Adam.
An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” she leaned forword. “Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer’?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me 15,000$ for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case”.
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his sit and admitted, “He sued me for the money”.
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?” to which lawyer number one replies, “It’s that $50 I owe you”.
The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “Firstly, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?”
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
A man is at his lawyer’s funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this man’s funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “We’re all clients”.
“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching”.
“No, we came to make sure he was dead”.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them”, replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill”.
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.