Category Archives: Irish
Did you here about the Irishman who came bounding into his local shouting to his pal,”I got twins, i got twins”
His Irish mate looks at him bewildered and says,”do you know who the other father is?”
Two Irishmen, Murphy and O’Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.
Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, “O’Brian, come ‘ere O’Brian. I ‘ave a request for ye”.
O’Brian walks to his friend’s bedside and kneels down.
“O’Brian, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m dying ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do”.
O’Brian bursts into tears, “Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It’s done”.
“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity”.
O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend’s request. “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”
Joseph, an Irishman planning a trip to Spain for saint Patrick’s day, decides to enrol at a language college to learn Spanish. But he doesn’t get round to it until the night before he departs.
The professor in charge tells him there is no way he can learn Spanish in one evening, but if he just speaks v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y the Spanish will understand him just fine.
So next morning, Joseph happily departs on his once-in-a-lifetime Spanish st pa tricks day experience.
On the morning of saint Patrick’s day itself, with the Mediterranean sun shining brightly in a clear blue sky, he wanders into the nearest bodega and, remembering the professor’s words, says ever so carefully, “o-n-e b-e-e-r, p-l-e-a-s-e.”
the barman looks up, smiles cheerfully to signify he understands, replies just as slowly, “c-e-r-t-a-I-n-l-y”, and gives him the beer. Making friendly conversation, he continues, “a-n-d w-h-e-r-e d-o y-o-u c-o-m-e f-r-o-m ?”
“I’-m f-r-o-m I-r-e-l-a-n-d”, Joseph replies.
“A-m-a-z-I-n-g ! S-o a-m I. W-h-e-r-e-a-b-o-u-t-s I-n I-r-e-l-a-n-d ?” asks the barman
“I h-a-v-e l-I-v-e-d a-l-l m-y l-I-f-e u-n-t-I-l y-e-s-t-e-r-d-a-y I-n a l-I-t-t-l-e t-o-w-n c-a-l-l-e-d s-k-I-b-b-a-r-e-e-n. ”
“I-n-c-r-e-d-I-b-l-e. I’-m f-r-o-m s-k-I-b-b-a-r-e-e-n t-o-o !” answers the barman.
“W-e-l-l, I-f w-e’-r-e b-o-t-h f-r-o-m s-k-I-b-b-a-r-r-e-e-n”, says Joseph, “w-h-y I-n t-h-e h-e-l-l a-r-e w-e t-a-l-k-I-n-g t-o e-a-c-h o-t-h-e-r I-n s-p-a-n-I-s-h ?”
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
“Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?” said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. “Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?”
“I would be half blind of course,” Patty answered without much thought.
“What would happen if I poked out the other eye?”
“I would be completely blind,” said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.
The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. “Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?”
“I would be blind in one eye,” he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.”
“Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?”
“I would be completely blind,” he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, “Me hat would fall down over me eyes.”
There was an Englishman,an Irishman and Scotsman siting on the edge of a cliff having a picnic. The Scotaman says “Oh god i’ve got ham in my sarndwiches again, if i get ham tomorrow i’ll jump off this cliff”.
So the Englishman looks in his sandwiches and says “Oh i’ve got beef in my sandwiches again,if get beef again i’ll jump with ya Scottishman.”
So the Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says “Oh i’ve got bloody tuna in my sandwiches again,if i get tuna again i’ll join you two guys”.
So the next day they all meet at the cliff and check their sandwiches. “Oh shit,”says the scotsman,”i’ve got ham!”. So he jumps off the cliff.
“Oh bugger,” says the Englishman, “i’ve got beef again!”.So he jumps off the cliff.
The Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says “Bollocks! i’ve got tuna again!”. So he jumps off too.
At the funeral the wifes meet up crying. The English wife says “I only made him beef because i thought he liked it”.
And the Scottish wife says “Same here only made ham because i thought he liked it”.”
Then the Irish wife says “Its not my fault he makes his own sandwiches!”.
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
How is it that we know Christ was Irish?
Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
The Englishman’s, Irishman’s and Scotsman’s wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: “I’m afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store.
However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives’ handbags from these three found in the store?” The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace.
The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife’s handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says “All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked.”
The Scotsman looks into his wife’s handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. “Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank.”
The Irishman empties his wife’s handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. “‘Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man.”
It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, “How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!”
To which the Irish judge replies “You’ve gotta remember, it’s damn slippery out there”.
On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the “Just-a-Minute quiz” every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants…
1) Something a blind man might use? A sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France? F
4) Name a bird with a long neck? Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the dental hospital
7) What is Hitler’s first name – Heil
8) As happy as…. (Larry gave a hint – think of my name) – A pig in sh*t
9) Some famous brothers – Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race – The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath – Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the – Three Musketeers A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach – A deck-chair
14) A famous – Royal Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine – A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge – The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does – Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate
19) A method of securing your home – Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs – The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac – April
22) Something people might be allergic to – Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed – Sleep
24) Something you put on walls – A roof
25) Something slippery – A con-man
26) A kind of ache – A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping – Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white – A potato
29) A famous Scotsman – Jock
30) A famous Welshman – Vinnie Jones
31) Something you open other than a door – Your bowels