Category Archives: Entertainment

The Two Ronnies: Mastermind

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EastErinsborough – Happy birthday, EastEnders, from your Australian Neighbours!

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Favorite Ralph Quotes

Me fail English? That’s unpossible.

Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!

I bent my wookie.

The doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there

Ralph: “Daddy, I’m scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.”
Chief Wiggum: “Just relax and it’ll come, son.”

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant

And, when the doctor said I didn’t have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life

I found a moonrock in my nose!

That’s where I saw the Leprchaun. He tells me to burn things!

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Rude Theater Guest

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat”.

The man groaned but didn’t budge.

The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager”.

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied… “The balcony”.

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Amazing Eileen

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience”.

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations”.

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…. ”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“Shit” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

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Taming The Lion

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

“No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way”.

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Name Change

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man’s talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing. The director asked the young man his name.

“Penis van Lesbian,” the man replied proudly.

“Well” said the director, “We’ll have to change that”.

“Oh,” the young man said, “I could never change my name. It’s my heritage”.

“Well,” said the director, “if you’re not willing to change your name, you’ll never go anywhere in show business”.

The young man left the theatre dejectedly.

A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.

“Do you remember me,” asked the young man?

“Yes, I do,” said the director. “I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to”.

“Well, I finally took your advice,” the young man said. “I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since”.

“I told you so,” the director replied. “And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?”

“Dick van Dyke”.

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Bart Simpson Quotes

I didn’t do it, no one saw me do it, there’s no way you can prove anything!

Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

I think its ironic that for once dad’s butt prevented the release of toxic gas

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I’m proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Why would anyone want to hurt me? I’m this century’s Dennis the Menace!

Aren’t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

What’s Santa’s Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he’s trying to jump over, but he can’t quite make it.

I can’t stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it’s from a rubber spider down your dress – Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa’s dress.

I don’t know! I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know why I enjoyed it, and I don’t know why I’ll do it again!

Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.

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Forgetfull Actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.”

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practising his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress”.

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!”

“You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”

“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

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Queen Elizabeth And Dolly Parton

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created and I’m sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity”.
St.Peter thanks Dolly and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up and douches with it.
St. Peter says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in”.
Dolly is outraged. She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act and gets in and I don’t?!!!”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a nice pair any day”.

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