Category Archives: Business
Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. “You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
“You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees.”
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?”
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooo, you had to go and eat a secretary”
Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank…
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs for the future, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter man 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery; Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and
will be answered by an automated voice service:
Press buttons as follows:
I. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
8.To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the bank’s are made
of marble, with a guard at every door and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for.;
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)
“Boss, I’ve got to have a raise,” the salesman said to his sales manager. “There are three other companies after me.”
“Is that a fact?” the manager asked. “What other companies are after you?”
“The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company”.
Boss: You are Fired!
Employee: Why? I am such a steady worker!
Boss: Yes, If you were any steadier you would be motionless!
Mr. Larsen’s new secretary was young, sweet, and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. She didn’t want to embarrass him, so she waited until she was leaving his office before saying, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open. Soldier standing at attention?”
Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel”.
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents”.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37”.
“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars”.
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees”.
“Yes, sir”, the new recruit replied.
“Well, then, that makes everything just fine … ” the boss went on”.
“After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you”.
a businessman called his lazy son into his office and announces some great news: “From now on, son, i’d like you to become a full-time partner in the company. now, which part of the company would you like to be in charge of?”.
“well”, said the son, “I hate the shipping room, I get a panic attack whenever I am inside the bookkeeping department, I can’t get along with the people at sales”…”
His father stopped him and said: “Well then, what WOULD you like the most, as a full-time partner?”
The son replied: “I guess the most of all, I’d like you to buy me out”.
A boss tells his new employee, “I will give you $8 an hour starting today and in three months, I’ll raise it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?”.
The new employee replied, “In three months.”
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone – “Get me a coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”
The trainee shouts back, “And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!”
“No”, replied the CEO indignantly.
“Good!” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.