Category Archives: Barroom
It’s closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar. “God, I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for what seems like hours”.
“Sneaking’s not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstairs, and yelling ‘Hey baby, let’s f***’. When I do that, my wife always pretends she’s sound asleep”.
Customer: Why don’t you eat here, waiter?
Waiter: Serving it is bad enough, I don’t want to compound the felony.
A guy walks into a bar and shouts, “When I drink, everybody drinks!”. Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy.
Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, “When I drink again, everybody drinks again!”. Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar.
When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, “When I pay, everybody pays!”.
A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises her arm really high to get the bartender’s attention.
She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, “Get the ballerina a drink”.
She gets her drink and goes away.
Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her and yells to the bartender, “Get the ballerina another drink”.
She gets her drink and goes away again.
The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, “She’s got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high”.
A guy goes to a single’s bar to find a bedmate for the night. He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance.
He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he’d had.
“How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?” he asks the perky redhead.
“Oh, four or five”, she answers, adding “And don’t call me Dizzy”.
Two men were sitting in a bar. One man turned to the other and said,”I slept with your mother!”
The other man ignored him.
A few moments later the man said, more forcefully this time, “I slept with your mother!!”
The other turned to him and replied, “Go home Dad, you’ve had too much to drink”.
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?”
“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” “Yep”.Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs.
However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?”
“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”
“Yep”. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, protect me from this man. He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.
“Wasn’t always that way”, the buddy says. “It’s a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it’s well worth every cent”.
So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, “I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand”.
They go back to the restroom to compare. “No wonder”, his buddy says, “That’s my old one!”.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona”.
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser”. The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors”. He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke”. The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I”.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS”.