A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

When the farmer drove up the next day he said: “Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey is on my truck but he is dead.”

Gordon replied: “Well, give me my money back then.”

The farmer said: “Sorry, I can”t do that as I have spent it already.” Gordon sighed: “OK then, just unload the donkey anyway.”

The farmer asked: “What are you going to do with him?” “Gordon replied: “I am going to raffle him off.” To which the farmer exclaimed: “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!” “But Gordon, with a big smile on his face, said: “Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he”s dead.”

One month later, the farmer met Gordon and asked: “What happened to that dead donkey?”

Gordon replied: “I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a huge profit.”

Totally amazed, the farmer asked: “Didn’t anyone complain about you taking their money because you failed to tell them about the donkey being dead?”

Then Gordon replied: “The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner. When he came to claim his prize, I gave him his £2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the market price of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy. That still left me nearly £800 ahead.”

Gordon grew up and eventually became Chancellor of the Exchequer and no matter how many times he failed to tell the whole truth or how much money he took from British voters, so long as he gave them back some of their money, most of them thought he was a great guy. He then became Prime Minister!”

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his. So he sits down with his friend and tells him, “Friend, I got a dilemma.” The friend asks him, “What’s the problem?”
He says, “Well, I went on my honeymoon and I was excited because I would make love to her for the first time.” And the friend asks, “So what is the problem?” “Let me finish,” says the friend. “When the time came, my wife took out her orthopaedic leg, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her arm, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her eye, and finally took off her hair and put them both in the closet.”
“Wow,” says his friend, “and what seems to be the dilemma?”
“Well,” says the guy, “I don’t know if I should make love to her on the bed or the closet.”

If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?
European!

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, “She’s/He’s fantastic in bed.”

That’s Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” well, how about some “ass-cons”? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_O_) an ass that’s been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.”

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea.” They set in provisions on their ship, said their goodbyes and set sail for a three-month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

A whole year passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

“We were just barely one whole day out to sea, when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week, they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.” “Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.” “Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away….”

A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date.

The dad says, ”Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.”

The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ”Dad, Jesus had long hair…”

And the dad replies, ”Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn’t he?”